Being down

For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved to wallow. I kinda like rolling around in my own shit for a while. I know it sounds cliche, but when I feel like shit, it makes me thing, ‘hey, at least I’m feeling, right?’ I used to beat myself up a lot more than I do now. You always told me that I needed to be more like my own best friend. It’s not easy though. I’m so sensitive to other people’s feelings that I would rather sufer myself than to hurt someone’s feelings that I care about. I know I can deal with the worse kind of loss because I lost you. All I have is the memories and wisdom from our relationship. I think about the talks we would have when I was really down in the dumps. I know it always effected you in a big way when your children were going through tough times. I remember you telling me as much. I want these feelings to go away. The ones where I feel so responsible for another person’s happiness and so guilty about being happy. It ironic that i left her in order to become more happy, and not only am I less happy, but in the back of my mind, I wonder if I’ll ever be as happy as I once was. And then there’s the other part of me, it’s a small part, that thinks maybe I just wasn’t as happy as I thought. Maybe I did fall out of love. How does that happen though? How does that happen when you are so close to someone?