It’s safe here. No one knows this is where I’m keeping my thoughts. The first go at this resulted in people getting angry at me for publishing such intimate details of my dad’s death. It’s ok though. People have their own ways of dealing with grief and getting through difficult situations. I wrote a lot while I was taking care of my dad and I’m so upset that I can’t share many of those details. Mom and Sister were probably right. Dad would not have liked me to be posting all of the details I did as he was dying. I’ve had some time to think things over and I know I made the right decision in taking it all down.
Apparently someone at an office started printing my posts out and passing them around for people to read, which is so beyond in appropriate, I don’t even know what to say. I think I know who it was, which makes it worse. I posted an open letter to the person who did this and took it down a minute later. I just didn’t want to introduce the negativity.
I’m not the first person to get into trouble with their family because of a blog. I didn’t originally intend for my family to even know about it, but I wasn’t as tight-lipped as I should have been. Every time someone would ask me about how things were going, I would direct them to the site. Word spread like wild fire and too many people ended up finding out. Many people found inspiration in it and I wanted to leave it up as a document of what I went through. Hell, maybe I should just go back and edit the posts so they are more anonymous and contain less of the intimate details. It just feels wrong to edit them. They were so pure and stream-of-consciousness that I just don’t want to hassle with them. Not right now.
I tried to make myself cry again tonight and it just didn’t work. It must be the same defense mechanism I used when I was taking care of dad. I still don’t know how I did all of that.