Brad Barrish

So much has happened since I wrote last. Things ave been busy as I’ve been getting back into the swing of things. I went home for Mother’s Day, which was very unpleasant. I don’t know how to act around my mom. I spend time with her and help her with things. I even let her buy me socks and underwear when I was home because I know that on some level it brings her joy and I needed some new socks and underwear. My mom and I have never had much of a relationship, so it feels weird to start trying now. And it’s not that I haven’t tried in the past. She’s just closed off and I’m not, so that creates problems, or at least it has in the past. Of course I can’t change her, and I’ve stopped trying. We do talk more since dad’s death, but the conversations are strained and uncomfortable at times. I feel so sad for her. She doesn’t need my pity though. I also feel guilty for not being there, but only sometimes. Most of the time I feel relieved and then I feel sorry for my siblings. How do you stick together as a family when you weren’t close to begin with? Dad was the glue. He was the patriarch, whether he wanted to be or not. He was the peacemaker.

I cry fairly often now. It seems like the shock has dissipated and I’m starting to feel the loss more and more. I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had a lot of time to deal with the emotions. They get all backed up inside me, mashed together with other emotions and then come out at weird times, rarely inappropriate. I went to see Spider-Man 3 recently. I was experiencing an anxiety relapse of sorts. I used to have severe panic problems that I worked on and got rid of. Recently I’ve been experiencing them again on occasion, which makes me really angry at myself. I used to beat up on myself a lot because of it. Dad was always there as the voice of reason, and now he isn’t. So I get sad about that, on top of being anxious and then sprinkle that with a little resentment toward my mate and you’ve got a breakdown on your hands. And that’s what happened. I knew what was going on though and I explained it all to my mate, but it sure hurt. I cried and cried. This big mush of emotions was pouring out of my eyes and nose. Afterward it felt good though.

I cry when I’m alone for the most part. Sometimes I cry when we’re in bed. On my way to work or more likely on my way home is common. I used to speak to my dad on my way home from work. It was habit. It was time I had to talk to him with undivided attention. I miss talking to him so much. This Father’s Day is going to hurt like hell.

So much has happened since I wrote last. Things ave been busy as I’ve been getting back into the swing of things. I went home for Mother’s Day, which was very unpleasant. I don’t know how to act around my mom. I spend time with her and help her with things. I even let her buy me socks and underwear when I was home because I know that on some level it brings her joy and I needed some new socks and underwear. My mom and I have never had much of a relationship, so it feels weird to start trying now. And it’s not that I haven’t tried in the past. She’s just closed off and I’m not, so that creates problems, or at least it has in the past. Of course I can’t change her, and I’ve stopped trying. We do talk more since dad’s death, but the conversations are strained and uncomfortable at times. I feel so sad for her. She doesn’t need my pity though. I also feel guilty for not being there, but only sometimes. Most of the time I feel relieved and then I feel sorry for my siblings. How do you stick together as a family when you weren’t close to begin with? Dad was the glue. He was the patriarch, whether he wanted to be or not. He was the peacemaker.

I cry fairly often now. It seems like the shock has dissipated and I’m starting to feel the loss more and more. I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had a lot of time to deal with the emotions. They get all backed up inside me, mashed together with other emotions and then come out at weird times, rarely inappropriate. I went to see Spider-Man 3 recently. I was experiencing an anxiety relapse of sorts. I used to have severe panic problems that I worked on and got rid of. Recently I’ve been experiencing them again on occasion, which makes me really angry at myself. I used to beat up on myself a lot because of it. Dad was always there as the voice of reason, and now he isn’t. So I get sad about that, on top of being anxious and then sprinkle that with a little resentment toward my mate and you’ve got a breakdown on your hands. And that’s what happened. I knew what was going on though and I explained it all to my mate, but it sure hurt. I cried and cried. This big mush of emotions was pouring out of my eyes and nose. Afterward it felt good though.

I cry when I’m alone for the most part. Sometimes I cry when we’re in bed. On my way to work or more likely on my way home is common. I used to speak to my dad on my way home from work. It was habit. It was time I had to talk to him with undivided attention. I miss talking to him so much. This Father’s Day is going to hurt like hell.

As some of you know, Audrey (my girl) and Oona (her mum) are in the middle of constructing a mixed use building in Venice, not far from where Audrey and I live. Curbed LA ran a piece on it as did LA Frog.

I’m at my parents’ house this weekend and I brought Eliot Wilder’s 33 1/3 book on DJ Shadow’s Endtroducing with me to read. I finished it in record time. It was pretty much just an interview with Josh [Davis a.k.a. DJ Shadow] about how he got started and the process around making one of the finest modern albums. It was a fascinating look into Josh’s personality and his life. I found that there were a lot of similarities in how we came up enjoying music. If I ever get an opportunity to meet him, I’m sure it’ll make for some good discussion. Wilder clearly knew Josh’s music and in addition to being an admirer, he was also a respected figure. Rarely does one get such an unedited and honest look at an artist, which not only reflected well on Wilder, but on Josh as well. It was a real homage to his music and made for a quick and easy read. You felt like you were privvy to two music fanatics having a conversation, which is exactly the spirit in which the 33 1/3 books are released.

I remember when I heard the album for the first time, I was completely blown away. It really got me me into a lot of trip-hop and all kinds of modern electronic music. I would listen to the album constantly and like Wilder, I found it to be an album that was somewhat of a journey album. It was fascinating to hear all of the elements playing so well together. I can only come at the album from a music fanatic’s standpoint, but that’s exactly what Josh is so it seems fitting. I find, years later, that the album really stands up as well. I still play it from time to time and every time I do it’s exciting. Something about his beats just energize me. Considering it’s not a rock n roll album, that’s especially rare and is a testament to his talent as an artist.

The first internship I had was with the ACLU. Of course dad had everything to do with that, as he was Director for Western Kansas and Eastern Missouri. Dad was always very involved in politics, as a citizen of the United States. He might have complained about the state of things from time to time, but most of all if there was something he didn’t like, he took action. We all came together as a family to call constituents during elections, urging people to go to the polls. He was always fighting for what he believed in and it was a value that I embraced. Whether it was planning my high school’s Earth Day celebration, writing letters to the editor of the Overland Park Sun and Kansas City Star or ultimately making the decision to start praciticing Buddhism, I’ve tried to remain active in the community and fight like dad did for things he believed in.

Dad was my hero and has always been a tremendous force in my life, long before he got sick. Since he passed, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about ways in which I can honor him. One of the ideas that I came up with the other day was to start a blog dedicated to taking action. The site is called Action for Everyone. Its purpose is to motivate people to take action and get involved. It will show people that doing simple things, often taking less than a few minutes, can make a difference. No matter what your beliefs are, Action for Everyone will encourage people to get involved.

I want your help. If there’s an issue that you feel strongly about, be it consumer oriented, poltical, social or whatever, I want to hear about it. Tell me what you’re doing to support the issues, people and beliefs you hold. Perhaps you can contribute if you’ve been looking for an opportunity to take action. Get involved. Take Action.

The site launched very quietly yesterday and is in beta now (hey, what isn’t). My goal is to write an entry each day and over the coming weeks start getting other people involved. We’ll have guest editorials, contests and cool features on people that are taking action all over the world. Feel free to email me with your thoughts and ideas.

The first internship I had was with the ACLU. Of course dad had everything to do with that, as he was Director for Western Kansas and Eastern Missouri. Dad was always very involved in politics, as a citizen of the United States. He might have complained about the state of things from time to time, but most of all if there was something he didn’t like, he took action. We all came together as a family to call constituents during elections, urging people to go to the polls. He was always fighting for what he believed in and it was a value that I embraced. Whether it was planning my high school’s Earth Day celebration, writing letters to the editor of the Overland Park Sun and Kansas City Star or ultimately making the decision to start praciticing Buddhism, I’ve tried to remain active in the community and fight like dad did for things he believed in.

Dad was my hero and has always been a tremendous force in my life, long before he got sick. Since he passed, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about ways in which I can honor him. One of the ideas that I came up with the other day was to start a blog dedicated to taking action. The site is called Action for Everyone. Its purpose is to motivate people to take action and get involved. It will show people that doing simple things, often taking less than a few minutes, can make a difference. No matter what your beliefs are, Action for Everyone will encourage people to get involved.

If you’re reading this, chances are we’re friends. I want your help. If there’s an issue that you feel strongly about, be it consumer oriented, poltical, social or whatever, I want to hear about it. Tell me what you’re doing to support the issues, people and beliefs you hold. Perhaps you can contribute if you’ve been looking for an opportunity to take action. Get involved. Take Action.

The site launched very quietly yesterday. My goal is to write an entry each day and over the coming weeks start getting other people involved. We’ll have guest editorials, contests and cool features on people that are taking action all over the world. Feel free to email me with your thoughts and ideas.

You can find something more complicated on MacFixIt, but I almost never have system problems with my Macs. I’ve owned them for years, fixed other people’s for years and rarely have problems due to system updates. Before you run another update on your machine, go download AppleJack and install it.

1. Before you run that update, run Disk Utility and repair permissions on your internal drive.
2. Run the update (NOTE: If it's an OS update, i.e. 10.4.x then run the Combo installer, which you can grab from VersionTracker, MacUpdate or directly from Apple)
3. Wait for your computer to restart and don't touch anything until you see your desktop come up.
4. Now, restart your machine again and after the screen goes blank, hold one finger on the apple key and another on the S key. You'll see a bunch of stuff on your screen that will make you think you've done something wrong. Don't worry.
5. Type 'applejack auto restart' and don't touch your machine until yur machine restarts and you see your desktop again.

If you follow these 5 simple steps, you're much less likely to experience issues following system updates. I do this after any system update, no matter how minor.

I was having a conversation with someone today. They also lost a parent to pancreatic cancer. We check in with each other every once in a while. I was telling this friend about how I couldn’t get some images out of my head. I have this image of his body being taken away. He…it… had been laying on the bed we set up for hours. We were getting all of his leftover meds together for hospice. We were all picking things up around him, getting rid of trash and he was just laying still, lifeless. His mouth was hanging open and it literally looked like someone had sucked the life out of him.

We were there when he passed, which was good. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. They came and got his body and I watched from across the room as they moved his body off the bed and on to a gurney. His frail legs knocked together and I could see that rigor mortis had set in. His legs didn’t bend. They were so stiff.

All that was left was the bed and soon that was gone too. We put the table back in the room, where it was before the bed was placed there. And then it was as though nothing had happened. The room looked like it did before the cancer came, but it was so quiet and empty. He was already missing. It happened so fast.

I was having a conversation with someone today. They also lost a parent to pancreatic cancer. We check in with each other every once in a while. I was telling this friend about how I couldn’t get some images out of my head. I have this image of his body being taken away. He…it… had been laying on the bed we set up for hours. We were getting all of his leftover meds together for hospice. We were all picking things up around him, getting rid of trash and he was just laying still, lifeless. His mouth was hanging open and it literally looked like someone had sucked the life out of him.

We were there when he passed, which was good. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. They came and got his body and I watched from across the room as they moved his body off the bed and on to a gurney. His frail legs knocked together and I could see that rigor mortis had set in. His legs didn’t bend. They were so stiff.

All that was left was the bed and soon that was gone too. We put the table back in the room, where it was before the bed was placed there. And then it was as though nothing had happened. The room looked like it did before the cancer came, but it was so quiet and empty. He was already missing. It happened so fast.

I have to turn the comments off. The amount of comments spam that I’m having to deal with is unbelievable. If you want to get in touch with me, please email me directly at brad [at] bradbarrish [dot] com.