Brad Barrish

I’ve come home to find Apocalypse now on TV a few times in the last week. It’s one of my favorite films. It was also one of dad’s favorites. He liked Platoon a lot as well. For a guy who liked such violent and disturbing films, he was peaceful. I was just thinking about how it didn’t make much sense to me. When I see films we’ve watched together, I have memories. They may be faint, but they’re there. I didn’t do that much when he was alive. I notice things I do that are like him as well. They way I chew reminds me of him. I think as humans we make connections where there are none, so sometimes when I’m thinking about a connection we had, I dismiss it. I’m reaching for connections because I want him to be alive. And I’m not saying we didn’t have a connection. We did. One that runs very deep. Part of the process of letting go means that I’m just going to be sad. I’m going to wish he was alive again and he’s never going to be. I’ll never see him again. Mom won’t change the outgoing message on the voicemail. It’s dad’s voice. And it’s really weird to hear him speak like that, because I don’t leave messages for him anymore.

I’ve come home to find Apocalypse now on TV a few times in the last week. It’s one of my favorite films. It was also one of dad’s favorites. He liked Platoon a lot as well. For a guy who liked such violent and disturbing films, he was peaceful. I was just thinking about how it didn’t make much sense to me. When I see films we’ve watched together, I have memories. They may be faint, but they’re there. I didn’t do that much when he was alive. I notice things I do that are like him as well. They way I chew reminds me of him. I think as humans we make connections where there are none, so sometimes when I’m thinking about a connection we had, I dismiss it. I’m reaching for connections because I want him to be alive. And I’m not saying we didn’t have a connection. We did. One that runs very deep. Part of the process of letting go means that I’m just going to be sad. I’m going to wish he was alive again and he’s never going to be. I’ll never see him again. Mom won’t change the outgoing message on the voicemail. It’s dad’s voice. And it’s really weird to hear him speak like that, because I don’t leave messages for him anymore.

WIRED has an interview with Scott MacGregor, Thunderbird’s lead engineer, about webmail vs desktop email. It got me thinking, but I really believe I’ve finally found the best solution for me. Historically, I switch email clients and MX records a lot. I’m always trying out what I think is the ultimate solution and as soon as I discover a show stopper, I switch again. Back in February I moved whatevernevermind.com over to Google Apps and then upgraded to the Premier Edition. I tend to keep a lot of email and I didn’t want to have to worry about running out of space. I’ve been really happy with Gmail and don’t plan on switching back to a desktop application. As much as I love Apple Mail, Gmail’s functionality makes things a lot easier for me and I’m more productive. The only problem I have with Gmail is that my email isn’t available to me when I’m offline. It doesn’t happen often enough for me to switch back to a desktop solution. I use my Fastmail account as a backup, should something happen to my Gmail. I think I’ve finally found the perfect email solution for me. And the best part is that I can use Outlook 2007 under Vista for my work email. It works so much better than Outlook 2003 under XP.

We made some more announcements today about the US and UK shows. Check out liveearth.org for all of the details. Things are really heating up at the office. We have a lot of Live Earth people wandering around with new ones coming in all the time. The phones are ringing off the hook with people that want to be involved. I’ve even received a few emails from friends of friends. It’s gong to be a really massive and amazing event. Stay tuned.

While dad was dying, I frequesntly looked for other people that had a “pancreatic” tag in their del.icio.us bookmarks. I found Ed that way and we still email every once in while. His father-in-law has it. I’ve never emailed anyone besides Ed, but I read stories and it’s easy to see who is being effected by it just by looking at tags. I even have an RSS feed for the tag. Sometimes I think I should just stop. Not sure how much of it matters at this point.

I was reading someone’s blog and they talked about how they were writing a book and it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I want to write a book on communicating with people. It’s something my dad taught me a lot about. I’m not sure why or even if I’m qualified to write such a book. Something to think about.

While dad was dying, I frequesntly looked for other people that had a “pancreatic” tag in their del.icio.us bookmarks. I found Ed that way and we still email every once in while. His father-in-law has it. I’ve never emailed anyone besides Ed, but I read stories and it’s easy to see who is being effected by it just by looking at tags. I even have an RSS feed for the tag. Sometimes I think I should just stop. Not sure how much of it matters at this point.

I was reading someone’s blog and they talked about how they were writing a book and it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I want to write a book on communicating with people. It’s something my dad taught me a lot about. I’m not sure why or even if I’m qualified to write such a book. Something to think about.

I was inspired by watching the trailer for The Buried Life, so I figured I would start compiling a list of things I’d like to do before I die and start crossing them off. Here are the first few I could think of:

1. Learn how to surf
2. Visit southeast Asia
3. Visit Iceland
4. Dive the Great Barrier Reef

I was inspired by watching the trailer for The Buried Life, so I figured I would start compiling a list of things I’d like to do before I die and start crossing them off. Here are the first few I could think of:

1. Learn how to surf
2. Visit southeast Asia
3. Visit Iceland
4. Dive the Great Barrier Reef

I was inspired by watching the trailer for The Buried Life, so I figured I would start compiling a list of things I’d like to do before I die and start crossing them off. Here are the first few I could think of:

1. Learn how to surf
2. Visit southeast Asia
3. Visit Iceland
4. Dive the Great Barrier Reef

I’ve been thinking about dad a lot lately and I’ve been sad. Life has been moving fast, but I think about him all the time. I was on trip recently. I have a tendancy to stare out of the window on planes and watch the earth while I ponder things. There’s this feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I think about how much my life has been changed by dad’s death. It’s so painful. A lot of the time I’m fine, but there are times when I feel so lost, like I don’t know how to live without him. Sometimes I’m so confident in what advice he would give to me about something and other times I doubt it all. I think to myself, ‘you’re making all of this up and you have NO idea what he would say.’ I know this is all normal. How can it not be?

I’ve been remembering his final days a lot though. I can’t get them out of my head. I remember when they finally arrived to pick up his body and take it to the funeral home. Rigamortis had set in and when they picked him up from the bed his legs just knocked together from being so stiff. The life was gone from him. I just keep seeing that image. And replaying how fast it all happened. I was having a conversation with him and then all of the sudden there were no more conversations.

I was so stupid to think that I would be doing better than I am. I think the denial (not conscious) is starting to wear off. I cry all the time now. I was writing Sister a letter the othr day and started crying. I was watching one of the NCAA games the other day (which by the way, I never do) and started crying. I saw a picture of him with Brother and I and started crying. I came down with the flu last week and for whatever reason thought about him being sick and started crying. When I went to the doctor, it was one of those times when everything just falls in line. Somehow I hit all of the green lights, the lot was full until the moment I pulled up to it, as crowded as the lot was, I found a place immediately on the first floor, etc. And even though I knew better, I blamed it all on dad. It’s so silly, but I remember smiling and saying “thank you” under my breath.

When I was sick and called my dad to talk he would always express how sincerely sorry he was that I wasn’t feeling well. It was one of those things that you would dismiss quickly and probably not think about, but I’ve been thinking about it recently. “I’m really sorry you’re not feeling well,” he would say. And you knew that he meant it. When it echoes in my head now, I can hear it. It sounds so childish to say this, but I was feeling so awful, I wanted something, anything, to make me feel better, so I called my mom. I told her why I was calling and she too was very sorry about how I was feeling, but I think she liked the fact that her voice brought me comfort. Of course she did.