Brad Barrish

Mom called and said that she, Brother and Sister had all talked to the reporter already. Apparently they were doing a feature on dad and she wanted to make sure I was given the opportunity to talk to the reporter. I didn’t have a pen with me. I was standing in the middle of one of those huge stores focused on organizing everything in your life. I told her to have Brother or Sister text me the number and I would give the reporter a call. Moments later, a text came in. I love technology.

I finally made it out of the store and called mom back to see if I needed to call this reporter now. She said he was trying to wrap it up tonight, as far as she knew and it would probably be good if I spoke to him soon. I called him and got an answering machine. As I was leaving a message, he picked up.

“Hello?” I said.

“Hi, sorry about that. I sometimes screen my calls.”

“That’s ok. I’m the other son. My mom said I should call you about the article you’re writing.”

“Yeah. Thank you for calling. I just wanted to ask you a few questions. Do you have some time?”

“Yeah, now’s a good time.”

I hadn’t talked about dad much except to tell a few people that he had passed away. I spoke proudly about him and his life. At one point the reporter said something like “It sounds like you’re dad was a real entertainer,” which I found very weird, and somewhat disheartening. Where would he have gotten such and idea? I corrected him politely.

“I wouldn’t say entertainer as much as I would say he was very social. Not a socialite or anything like that. He just really enjoyed people. He was accepting of everyone and he made time for you.”

The reporter brought up something about how dad was more afraid of what would happen to us after he was gone than what was going to happen to him. And that was true. I don’t think my dad was ever really afraid of dying. We talked for a few minutes more and I could feel my voice cracking. I was telling him about what I said in the eulogy. It was the part about how we can honor him by living our lives a little differently. Talking about it made me feel like I was going to cry, but I didn’t. It could have been that I was in a public place, but I should have just let it out. It’s building up in me and I’m feeling emotionally constipated.

I went to bed without setting an alarm last night, even though I knew I had to get up. I had an obligation that I just skipped out on without telling anyone about it. I felt bad for a minute or two, but I got over that pretty quick. ‘They’ll understand,’ I told myself. They don’t even know if I’m in town or not. But here I am feeling bad about it. And I don’t feel bad for taking care of myself, but I feel bad about letting someone down. I’m taking advantage of the fact that dad died. I’m using it as an excuse. Is that what people do? Is that part of the grieving process?

I laid in bed this morning with images of the family sitting and standing around his bed. I remember how hard I cried, clinching my fists until my nails nearly broke the skin of my palms. I remember seeing my dad unconscious. I remember the effects of the ammonia buildup in his brain. I was going through all of the imagry in my head and not one tear streamed down my face. What do I have to do to believe he’s actually gone? When will become apparent? I want to speak to him. I have that urge. I KNOW he’s gone, but there’s some defense mechanism at work inside me. It won’t let me feel it.

I was out last night with a friend who also lost their father. And all I could think about was asking him if he went through these same emotions. I don’t feel like a robot until I start thinking about my dad. I can have a good time, but then it hit me… I was watching something on TV and I remember feeling sad for a brief moment. Then it went away. It got pushed down just like my sadness did when I was taking care of dad. How long is this going to last. It’s like someone’s lacing my water with Zoloft or something. I want to feel again. I want to bawl my eyes out.

I went to bed without setting an alarm last night, even though I knew I had to get up. I had an obligation that I just skipped out on without telling anyone about it. I felt bad for a minute or two, but I got over that pretty quick. ‘They’ll understand,’ I told myself. They don’t even know if I’m in town or not. But here I am feeling bad about it. And I don’t feel bad for taking care of myself, but I feel bad about letting someone down. I’m taking advantage of the fact that dad died. I’m using it as an excuse. Is that what people do? Is that part of the grieving process?

I laid in bed this morning with images of the family sitting and standing around his bed. I remember how hard I cried, clinching my fists until my nails nearly broke the skin of my palms. I remember seeing my dad unconscious. I remember the effects of the ammonia buildup in his brain. I was going through all of the imagry in my head and not one tear streamed down my face. What do I have to do to believe he’s actually gone? When will become apparent? I want to speak to him. I have that urge. I KNOW he’s gone, but there’s some defense mechanism at work inside me. It won’t let me feel it.

I was out last night with a friend who also lost their father. And all I could think about was asking him if he went through these same emotions. I don’t feel like a robot until I start thinking about my dad. I can have a good time, but then it hit me… I was watching something on TV and I remember feeling sad for a brief moment. Then it went away. It got pushed down just like my sadness did when I was taking care of dad. How long is this going to last. It’s like someone’s lacing my water with Zoloft or something. I want to feel again. I want to bawl my eyes out.

Some of you may know that I work for a company called Control Room. This morning our CEO, Kevin Wall, along with Al Gore, Pharrell Williams and Cameron Diaz held a press conference to discuss the campaign and the concert that will happen this summer. It’s about to get very busy. The press release is below, but you can find a bunch of articles on the net. Audrey was at the event. Her company Aude will be making some really nice shirts for the celebs to wear.

Al Gore, Kevin Wall, Pharrell, Cameron Diaz Launch Unprecedented Campaign, Concert to Combat Climate Crisis

‘Live Earth’ Concerts in All 7 Continents to Reach Global Audience of Over 2 Billion

LOS ANGELES, Feb. 15 /PRNewswire/ – Detailing a historic effort to engage billions of people across the globe, Kevin Wall, Al Gore, Pharrell Williams, Cameron Diaz, and the MSN Network today launched Save Our Selves (SOS) - The Campaign for a Climate in Crisis. The announcement was made at the California Science Center.

SOS is designed to trigger a global movement to combat our climate crisis. It will reach people in every corner of the planet through television, film, radio, the Internet and Live Earth, a 24-hour concert on 7/7/07 across all 7 continents that will bring together more than 100 of the world’s top musical acts. Live Earth alone will engage an audience of more than 2 billion people through concert attendance and broadcasts. MSN has partnered with SOS to use its reach to make the Live Earth concerts available across the globe. The Live Earth audience, and the proceeds from the concerts, will create the foundation for a new, multi-year global effort to combat the climate crisis led by The Alliance for Climate Protection and its Chair, Vice President Al Gore. SOS was founded by Kevin Wall, who won an Emmy as Worldwide Executive Producer of Live 8.

“Our climate crisis is the paramount challenge facing humanity. SOS is more than a global distress call. SOS will give the world the tools we need to answer that call with meaningful action. The most important part of SOS is how individuals, corporations, and governments respond,” Wall said. “Our climate crisis affects everyone, everywhere, and that’s who SOS is aimed at. Only a global response can conquer our climate crisis. SOS asks all people to Save Our Selves because only we can.”

“In order to solve the Climate Crisis, we have to reach billions of people. We are launching SOS and Live Earth to begin a process of communication that will mobilize people all over the world to take action,” Gore said. “The Climate Crisis will only be stopped by an unprecedented and sustained global movement. We hope to jump-start that movement right here, right now, and take it to a new level on July 7, 2007.”

“At MSN, we have the worldwide audience and the technology stage to help unite a global community around SOS and Live Earth,” said Joanne Bradford, corporate vice president and chief media officer of MSN. “Anyone around the world with an Internet connection will be able to come to MSN to view not just the concert events, but also an extensive collection of interactive media that will entertain, educate, inspire and ultimately drive change.”

Wall announced 25 of the 100 top musical acts that have answered SOS’s call and are performing at Live Earth. SOS is also engaging other celebrities, CEOs, athletes, academics and government leaders to engage their constituencies. Please see below for that list of 25 artists.

“More than 100 artists are performing at Live Earth and they’re all headliners. That’s what it takes to engage billions of people. We’re not just engaging fans of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Snoop Dogg, or the Foo Fighters and Faith Hill. We’re engaging them and everyone in between,” Wall said. “We’ve been overwhelmed by the response from the artist community and are feverishly working out the logistics for all of the bands that want to be involved. Today we are announcing just the first 25 and will soon be announcing even more headliners who, for contractual reasons, cannot be announced today.”

The campaign’s identity is based on SOS, the international Morse code distress signal: three dots, followed by three dashes, followed by three dots. SOS is the most urgent, universal message we have, and SOS will use that signal as a continuous distress call to prompt individuals, corporations and governments around the world to respond to our climate crisis with action.

“SOS is creating an unmatched communications platform to take on an unparalleled crisis,” Wall said. “Our message must saturate the globe if we’re to succeed, and we will. In the US, we’re partnering with NBC-Universal and its networks. On satellite radio, we have SIRIUS and XM. In the UK, we’re partnering with the BBC. In Japan, we have a historic partnership with two broadcast partners. We have already secured television, Internet and wireless coverage in 120 countries, and the rest are soon to come.”

Wall announced that Live Earth concerts will take place in Brazil, Shanghai, Japan, Johannesburg, London, Sydney, and the Eastern United States.

Live Earth will be broadcast worldwide on MSN, which was the first sponsor to answer SOS’s call. MSN is one of the world’s most popular Internet destinations, and as such will allow the SOS campaign to have a global reach. MSN has services in over 42 markets and 21 languages, and more than 465 million people around the world visit MSN each month. Beginning today, people can go to http://liveearth.msn.com/ and begin participating in the global movement, and on 7/7/07, to watch the Live Earth concerts.

Live Earth is being produced by Control Room, of which Kevin Wall is the CEO. Control Room has produced and distributed more than 60 concerts since its founding a year and a half ago featuring Beyonce, Madonna, Green Day, Dave Matthews Band, Keith Urban, James Blunt, Snoop Dogg and the Rolling Stones, among others. Its multi-partner network provides a global reach for live offerings through broadband, television, digital movie theatres and mobile phones throughout the U.S. and the world.

Live Earth will implement a new Green Event Standard that will become the model for carbon neutral concerts and other live events in the future. The Green Event Standard is being developed in partnership with the U.S. Green Building Commission to create a way for venues to be LEED-approved.

Concerts on all 7 continents

Shanghai Sydney Johannesburg London Brazil TBD Japan TBD United States TBD TBD 100+ artists

Current and legendary artists across all genres performing multiple hits.

Announced today: Pharrell Duran Duran Red Hot Chili Peppers Snow Patrol Foo Fighters John Legend Snoop Dogg Black Eyed Peas Lenny Kravitz Akon Bon Jovi Enrique Iglesias Paolo Nutini Fall Out Boy Sheryl Crow Mana AFI Keane Melissa Etheridge Kelly Clarkson John Mayer Korn Damien Rice Faith Hill w/ Tim McGraw Corrine Bailey Rae Bloc Party

Dad’s best friend’s son has his own pickle company that’s absolutely fascinating. Take a look at this video of him. Thanks Gary.

It’s safe here. No one knows this is where I’m keeping my thoughts. The first go at this resulted in people getting angry at me for publishing such intimate details of my dad’s death. It’s ok though. People have their own ways of dealing with grief and getting through difficult situations. I wrote a lot while I was taking care of my dad and I’m so upset that I can’t share many of those details. Mom and Sister were probably right. Dad would not have liked me to be posting all of the details I did as he was dying. I’ve had some time to think things over and I know I made the right decision in taking it all down.

Apparently someone at an office started printing my posts out and passing them around for people to read, which is so beyond in appropriate, I don’t even know what to say. I think I know who it was, which makes it worse. I posted an open letter to the person who did this and took it down a minute later. I just didn’t want to introduce the negativity.

I’m not the first person to get into trouble with their family because of a blog. I didn’t originally intend for my family to even know about it, but I wasn’t as tight-lipped as I should have been. Every time someone would ask me about how things were going, I would direct them to the site. Word spread like wild fire and too many people ended up finding out. Many people found inspiration in it and I wanted to leave it up as a document of what I went through. Hell, maybe I should just go back and edit the posts so they are more anonymous and contain less of the intimate details. It just feels wrong to edit them. They were so pure and stream-of-consciousness that I just don’t want to hassle with them. Not right now.

I tried to make myself cry again tonight and it just didn’t work. It must be the same defense mechanism I used when I was taking care of dad. I still don’t know how I did all of that.

It’s safe here. No one knows this is where I’m keeping my thoughts. The first go at this resulted in people getting angry at me for publishing such intimate details of my dad’s death. It’s ok though. People have their own ways of dealing with grief and getting through difficult situations. I wrote a lot while I was taking care of my dad and I’m so upset that I can’t share many of those details. Mom and Sister were probably right. Dad would not have liked me to be posting all of the details I did as he was dying. I’ve had some time to think things over and I know I made the right decision in taking it all down.

Apparently someone at an office started printing my posts out and passing them around for people to read, which is so beyond in appropriate, I don’t even know what to say. I think I know who it was, which makes it worse. I posted an open letter to the person who did this and took it down a minute later. I just didn’t want to introduce the negativity.

I’m not the first person to get into trouble with their family because of a blog. I didn’t originally intend for my family to even know about it, but I wasn’t as tight-lipped as I should have been. Every time someone would ask me about how things were going, I would direct them to the site. Word spread like wild fire and too many people ended up finding out. Many people found inspiration in it and I wanted to leave it up as a document of what I went through. Hell, maybe I should just go back and edit the posts so they are more anonymous and contain less of the intimate details. It just feels wrong to edit them. They were so pure and stream-of-consciousness that I just don’t want to hassle with them. Not right now.

I tried to make myself cry again tonight and it just didn’t work. It must be the same defense mechanism I used when I was taking care of dad. I still don’t know how I did all of that.

I spoke to someone else this evening. Her mom passed away from the same disease and she was having a more difficult time than I was.

“Hey, how are you?” I said. I was excited to finally be speaking to her.

“Do you really need to ask that?”

“It’s ok to say you’re hurting or you’re not ok, but I really wanted to know how you were.”

“Ok, well, I’m not good. My mom is dead and when I called my dad to ask him what he got us for Valentine’s day, he realized that he blew it. I told him it was alright and he didn’t have to try and be mom.”

“My mom won’t even pick up the phone.”

We talked for a while, comparing stories and finding some comfort in one another, even though it was just a phone call. When it was time to hang up, I thanked her for being there. It meant a lot, especially since it had been so many years.

I’ve only teared up a couple of times since I’ve been home and I feel bad about it. I feel bad because I’m not struggling every single day with the overwhelming sadness that I felt when I was taking care of my dying father. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I expected to cry all the time and I just don’t have it in me. I’ve been trying not to think about him being gone. I haven’t written a single word in the last several days. Not until now. And now, it has to be a secret because I don’t want my family to read about any of this. The writing helps me. It helps me work out the feelings that are inside me.

I noticed that my brow furrows a lot lately. It feels like I’m frowning, which isn’t something I do much, or at least I haven’t until recently. And sometimes I get these hot/cold sensations just above my eyes. I wonder if it’s more tears being manufactured. Maybe I cried them all out when I was home. I’m kind of kidding about all of this. It’s so juvenile to think that I ran out of tears, but what is it that has me all blocked up? I listen to mom cry and I get sad, but nothing comes out. I listen to my sister get angry with me about something that wouldn’t normally make her angry, but because she’s hurting, it does. And I don’t well up. My hands sweat and I feel like I drank some strong coffee. My heart races, but no tears.

Today is Valentine’s Day and a week ago my dad died. My mom’s mate for almost 40 years is gone and she’s stuck at home with her thoughts, unable to speak to me over the phone. The pain that she must be feeling is too much to even fathom. I really can’t imagine it. I can’t step into her shoes for a moment. She must be crying her eyes out. Leaving her at home, alone, for the first time was torture. I remember crying as I stepped down the stairs off the front porch onto the cold lawn. I clenched my fist and cried so hard. ‘How could this be happening?’ I asked myself. I just shook my head in utter disbelief that I was going to live the rest of my life without my dad.

I still don’t believe it. I think that’s it. I just can’t get my head around the fact that my dad is dead. He’s not ever coming back. I can’t ask him for advice. I can’t impress him any more. His voice will only be in my head. I even tried to check my voicemail on the old phone to see if I still had his birthday message. It was gone. I’d been saving it since my birthday last year. I knew he would be gone at some point in the not-too-distant future and I wanted to keep the message to listen to. He left really sweet messages and I didn’t save any of them. I just can’t believe he’s gone. Literally.

I spoke to someone else this evening. Her mom passed away from the same disease and she was having a more difficult time than I was.

“Hey, how are you?” I said. I was excited to finally be speaking to her.

“Do you really need to ask that?”

“It’s ok to say you’re hurting or you’re not ok, but I really wanted to know how you were.”

“Ok, well, I’m not good. My mom is dead and when I called my dad to ask him what he got us for Valentine’s day, he realized that he blew it. I told him it was alright and he didn’t have to try and be mom.”

“My mom won’t even pick up the phone.”

We talked for a while, comparing stories and finding some comfort in one another, even though it was just a phone call. When it was time to hang up, I thanked her for being there. It meant a lot, especially since it had been so many years.

I’ve only teared up a couple of times since I’ve been home and I feel bad about it. I feel bad because I’m not struggling every single day with the overwhelming sadness that I felt when I was taking care of my dying father. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I expected to cry all the time and I just don’t have it in me. I’ve been trying not to think about him being gone. I haven’t written a single word in the last several days. Not until now. And now, it has to be a secret because I don’t want my family to read about any of this. The writing helps me. It helps me work out the feelings that are inside me.

I noticed that my brow furrows a lot lately. It feels like I’m frowning, which isn’t something I do much, or at least I haven’t until recently. And sometimes I get these hot/cold sensations just above my eyes. I wonder if it’s more tears being manufactured. Maybe I cried them all out when I was home. I’m kind of kidding about all of this. It’s so juvenile to think that I ran out of tears, but what is it that has me all blocked up? I listen to mom cry and I get sad, but nothing comes out. I listen to my sister get angry with me about something that wouldn’t normally make her angry, but because she’s hurting, it does. And I don’t well up. My hands sweat and I feel like I drank some strong coffee. My heart races, but no tears.

Today is Valentine’s Day and a week ago my dad died. My mom’s mate for almost 40 years is gone and she’s stuck at home with her thoughts, unable to speak to me over the phone. The pain that she must be feeling is too much to even fathom. I really can’t imagine it. I can’t step into her shoes for a moment. She must be crying her eyes out. Leaving her at home, alone, for the first time was torture. I remember crying as I stepped down the stairs off the front porch onto the cold lawn. I clenched my fist and cried so hard. ‘How could this be happening?’ I asked myself. I just shook my head in utter disbelief that I was going to live the rest of my life without my dad.

I still don’t believe it. I think that’s it. I just can’t get my head around the fact that my dad is dead. He’s not ever coming back. I can’t ask him for advice. I can’t impress him any more. His voice will only be in my head. I even tried to check my voicemail on the old phone to see if I still had his birthday message. It was gone. I’d been saving it since my birthday last year. I knew he would be gone at some point in the not-too-distant future and I wanted to keep the message to listen to. He left really sweet messages and I didn’t save any of them. I just can’t believe he’s gone. Literally.

This is what I read at my dad’s funeral this morning. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. We filmed the entire service, which I will post once we go through the tapes.

There’s a great quote by the Buddhist Philosopher, Daisaku Ikeda that states, “To die well, one must have lived well. For those who have lived true to their convictions, who have worked to bring happiness to others, death can come as a comforting rest, like the well-earned sleep that follows a day of enjoyable exertion.”

My dad was a fighter, and I’m not just talking about his battle with Pancreatic Cancer, though that was his ultimate battle. He helped people fight for a living. He helped equip people for their own battles in life, sharpening their minds and coping skills. He fought against injustice of every kind you could imagine. Racism, bigotry, sexual discrimination, religious intolerance, hate and ignorance were all battles he took on. Being raised by such a man I couldn’t help but join him in many of those battles along the way and as I got older I appreciated what a privilege and an honor it was to be in the presence of such a man.

Truth be told, I think he might be a little embarrassed by such an amazing service today, but don’t let that stop you from celebrating today and forever. I say celebrate because that’s what he would want. When we were talking about what his funeral service would be like, it actually crossed our minds to play some hip-hop over the PA. I even asked Mark about the possibility of a disco ball. I was kidding… Kind of. It wasn’t uncommon to see him driving around town in his Range Rover, windows down and music up. And I mean up. His love of music, openness and youthful spirit made him a favorite among my and my siblings’ friends. He was the cool dad. People trusted him because he felt safe. And he was. Because of that, he made friends with everyone. It might have been a friend I brought to the house or a guy sitting next to him on an airplane. He loved conversation and dialog.

Diasaku Ikeda wrote, “A Buddhist scripture states that “the voice does the Buddha’s work.” The voice has the power to convey one’s compassion for another. No matter how much you care, the sentiment alone will not communicate itself. When your feelings are conveyed in words, your voice will have the immense power to move another person’s heart.

His life embodied that very quote. He used words on a daily basis to help people, and did so with true compassion for his fellow human being. It was that compassion that made him a respected psychologist, an incredible parent and my personal hero. The way I choose to live my life, the kind of man that I strive to be, with all of my heart, is the kind of man he was. That’s how I honor my father. I made that decision long before he ever got sick.

Over the last couple of weeks especially, people have been asking ‘What can I do to help?’ I now have an answer for you. Live your life a little different from this point forward. Be a little more tolerant. Listen a little closer. Practice random acts of kindness. Rescue an animal from a shelter. Respect other people’s differences. And when in doubt, ask yourself, “What would Jay do?”